im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
