Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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