he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
