remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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