Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
