i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
