Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
