my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
