I met the friendliest cop last night
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
