bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
