Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize