How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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