found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
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