alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
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