I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
