The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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