youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
