i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
