I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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