Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
