A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Randomize
