Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Randomize
