God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
