Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Panties = found
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
