Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
