i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
