can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Randomize
