I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
where are you?
Hypothermia
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Randomize
