Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize