dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
