I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
