My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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