I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
