I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
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