I'm going to jail i love you
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
