I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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