Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
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