and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Randomize
