I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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