I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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