i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
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