he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
