I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize