not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
