Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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