HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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