Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
