He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
