Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
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