Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
