True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize