Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
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