Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
