we're blogging at a bar
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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