You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
