I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
