now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
