so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
