Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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