tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
