Michael Bay diarrhea
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize