No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize