He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
