what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Randomize
