I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize