i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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