I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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