I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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