She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Randomize
